Family Guy - Quotes

Here's a list of the most funniest quotes, voted by the viewers of Family Guy:

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.) I woke several hours later in a daze."

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts. (Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You don't know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Tom Tucker: And now time for Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather Forecast. Ollie?
Ollie: It gon rain.
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.

Peter: Don't worry Chris. Sometimes it's good not to fit in. (Flashback to Veitnam)
Peter (dressed in a clown suit): You guys are stupid. Their gonna be looking for army people.

Stewie: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.

Peter: Gee, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner.
Mr. Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter: What? Are you sure you, you, you, you don't want more seamen on, on, on your poop deck?

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